Love in times of Corona: a stress test

Lisa Vogel studied departmental journalism with a focus on medicine and biosciences at Ansbach University and deepened her journalistic knowledge in the master's degree in multimedia information and communication. This was followed by a traineeship in the editorial team. Since September 2020 she has been writing as a freelance journalist for

More posts by Lisa Vogel All content is checked by medical journalists.

Home office, social isolation, hardly any downtime: the Corona crisis is a stress test for some couples. What does that do with love? And how do you manage not to break from it?

The coronavirus has been determining life - and everyday relationships for weeks. Many couples have spent more time together than usual. It doesn't always go smoothly. One in four (27 percent) who lives in a partnership is unsure whether their relationship will survive the Corona crisis unscathed. This was the result of a survey by the online dating agency Parship among around 1000 German citizens.

It is important to understand why we are doing this now, says Ann-Marlene Henning. "The body and brain are prepared for danger, so fight or flight," says the sex therapist from Hamburg. Escape was not possible in the past few weeks. Instead, many people work 24/7 from home, with their better half and possibly children next to them. "Sometimes your partner becomes an enemy."

Show leniency and understanding

Couples therapist Clemens von Saldern from Berlin therefore pleads for leniency. His tip: Make an effort to keep visualizing how your partner is doing - and yourself. "This is how we comfort both the other and ourselves, because we acknowledge the unpleasant state."

Barbara Lubisch recommends not to weigh every word on the gold scales. "Understand your partner and feel uncomfortable," advises the deputy federal chairwoman of the German Association of Psychotherapists.

Accept the situation as it is

Henning advises you to feel inside yourself, to take stock.

Step one: understand how you are doing yourself.

Step two: realize that the partner feels the same way.

Step three: accept what is.

"It is important to realize that you accept a phase, that is not forever," explains Henning.

Against boredom and the carousel of thoughts, von Saldern encourages looking for projects, things for which there was no time - preferably together with your partner. However, the following applies: the experts consider it extremely important to create space and protect it. If possible, also spatially.

Create structure and freedom

"We need a good balance between autonomy and attachment," says von Saldern. This also includes the question: How much freedom do I need or am I used to? Especially now, when you have already spent a lot of time together, differences in preferences and needs are only really becoming visible, which should now be respected as much as possible.

One might recover better with a workout in the living room, while the other might prefer to go for a walk. "It is important to look for ways in which everyone can maintain some freedom even without a partner," says psychotherapist Lubisch.

The therapists consider a fixed daily structure to be particularly crucial. "Separate work and leisure, weekday and weekend," says Lubisch. Parents can also impose clear times on children in which they should occupy themselves, as far as this is possible depending on their age.

Time for relationship work

Perhaps couples can also use this time together for positive things? Ask yourself: Can I do something that I've wanted to change for a long time? This can also affect the partnership. Games with question cards or tasks can help in relationship work and make it more informal.

However, the therapists warn against making serious final decisions in the current situation. "I can also gain clarity and determine, for example, that we actually have nothing more to say to each other," explains von Saldern. A decision to end the relationship, for example, is better to be made only after the crisis, says Henning.

It can be helpful to consciously spend time together in a beautiful way and, for example, to reconnect with previous commonalities: "That could be long hikes with a picnic, listening to music or watching films or creating photo books of holidays together," Lubisch lists.

Help with domestic violence

But what if none of this helps, the tone gets rougher, the aggression increases? The long period of contact bans has resulted in an increased potential for controversy in many partnerships. Statistics show an increase in domestic violence.

Lubisch advises those who become aggressive themselves: "Interrupt the situation!" You should stop, get out of the room or take a lap around the block, call friends or do the telephone counseling. Some couples therapists and advice centers such as Pro Familie also offer online consultation hours or advice over the phone.

Those who are affected by violence in the relationship may not be able to get help themselves. "You are sometimes being watched all the time," explains Henning. She therefore appeals to friends and neighbors to be vigilant and to call the police in an emergency. (lv / dpa)

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