The suffering of others

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Cancer is a thunderbolt for those affected - but also for friends and family. They often suffer in silence, hardly anyone asks how they are doing. They are the most important pillars of cancer patients

"That was my husband," says Erika *, presses the hang-up button on her cell phone and strolls down the bare hospital corridor. "He's a lot more scared than I am, it's almost a bit exhausting," she says and turns into the room labeled "Chemotherapy". Doctors diagnosed the 44-year-old with breast cancer a few weeks ago, and her husband has hardly left her side since then. He takes her to therapy, calls in between to find out how she is doing, picks her up, does the shopping, cleans, washes, cooks. It's grueling for both of them. Before, she was the linchpin of the family, the head of almost all family matters. Now Erika is sick - and the whole environment suffers too.

Millions upon millions of people affected

In Germany alone, around 1.4 million people lived with cancer in 2012, estimates the German Cancer Research Center (dkfz). Men, women, young people, children. If you add family and friends of cancer patients to this, then millions and millions of people have to do with cancer. “You don't notice them if you don't have a case in the family. But now I see cancer all over the neighborhood, ”says Josef Huber *, whose wife also has breast cancer.

Often the relatives and their needs are ignored because the life-threatening illness is in the foreground. But studies have shown that the soul of partners suffers just as much as that of cancer patients. Relatives get under considerable stress, experience internal conflicts, feel grief, guilt and anger. They really want to help - and gradually empty their own energy batteries. Some become prone to depression and anxiety disorders, which will persist after the loved one's cancer is over. What is most troublesome is the uncertainty as to whether the relative will survive the disease. You are afraid of finding yourself alone at some point - emotionally, organizationally and financially.

Delayed reactions

When and how a loved one reacts to the changes in his or her life varies greatly from person to person. There is no silver bullet for this. Most of them keep their feelings in check at first. It is not about them, but the concern for the sick relatives and their needs are in the foreground. The environment also focuses more on the sick person than on their relatives. Josef Huber says: “Only once did someone want to know how I actually felt. I was very surprised. "

When cancer therapies begin, the uncertainty and shock slowly subside, and everyday life becomes more calm, only then do many relatives allow themselves to show their own reactions. And sometimes the body also responds to the weeks of psychological emergency. The most common symptoms are insomnia, dizziness, headaches, palpitations, poor appetite and diarrhea.

Help and let help

A family member's cancer has turned everyday life into a mess. The structure, dealings and communication within the family are changing extremely. "The unfamiliar, new distribution of roles and tasks can lead to conflicts," writes the German Cancer Aid. Relatives are therefore advised to seek psychological support. You don't have to be mentally ill to get help, according to the soul experts. In this way, they could become clear about their emotions and develop strategies on how to better deal with their feelings. In addition, psychologists can help identify and improve family dynamics.

The "participation member"

Like Erika's husband, it is often good for family members to be able to actively support cancer patients. It helps them to accompany them to the hospital, to look at the scar after the operation, or to be able to shave the hair off before it falls out. How relatives get involved is often very different, but most of them find it helpful to be part of the action. At the same time, time off is good - relatives of cancer patients can still enjoy life. Erika says: "Nice things that we always wanted to do, we are doing them now."

* all names changed by the editors.

Tags:  home remedies womenshealth prevention