Addicted to pain

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The razor blade as a best friend - people who injure themselves find pain a relief. One of them was Nadine.

“Goal, Toooor, Tooooooor“, cheers Nadine * and throws her arms in the air. The movement causes the sleeves of her soccer jersey to slide up. The bright sunlight reveals innumerable scars. Wounds that the young woman inflicted on herself. “Back when I didn't have all the cups in the cupboard,” she says today.

Before: At Nadine's home, there is a war. The father chases the girl through the house, kicks when she is on the floor, makes her mentally exhausted. “I was never good enough for him,” says Nadine. The mother looks away. When the daughter finally moves out, the father says to her: "If I never had to see you again, I would be the happiest person in the world." At 16, she began to scratch and pour nail polish remover into her wounds. Doctors call this self-harming behavior (SVV).

Hurt souls

People who harm themselves have often experienced bad things: they have been neglected, abused - physically or mentally. “You have had traumatic experiences that you cannot deal with adequately,” says the psychologist Kathrin Münz in an interview with In an addiction clinic in Munich, she also looks after many people who injure themselves.

Something like this is hard to imagine for healthy people: even inflicted pain brings relief to people like Nadine. It numbs negative emotions, reduces internal tension, makes them forget that they feel unattractive and worthless. The pain gives them back control over their emotions. They plan, they celebrate self-harm. Some carve symbols into their skin - again and again triangle upon triangle.

Inward aggression

It is estimated that more than a million young people and young adults are injured in Germany. The experts do not know for sure either, as many of those affected do not talk about their behavior. They scratch themselves with blades, nails, shards of glass, pour acid into their wounds, hit their heads against the wall, tear out nails or hair. There are more girls than boys among them. Münz explains: "While men tend to turn their aggression outward, women turn their anger against themselves."

For some, the pain becomes an addiction: “Some injure themselves ten times a day or more - sometimes in the same places. I've already seen layers of scars up to three centimeters, ”says the psychologist.

Self-loathing instead of self-esteem

Often, but not always, self-harm is caused by a mental illness. This is often a so-called borderline disorder that can be triggered by trauma. Other self-harming individuals also have symptoms of depression or anxiety disorders. "Most of them have little self-esteem, they mostly feel self-hatred," says the therapist. They are filled with contradicting sensations that they have never learned to deal with.

Nadine can no longer clearly remember her first self-harm. "I must have taken a razor blade, attached it and cut it loose." At first she still had inhibitions, but they disappeared very quickly - the pain just felt too good. “Even the first cut brings relief. Then it was just nice to feel something. And to be in control of it. "

Controlled Self

Self-harm usually not only master the pain, but also their behavior at work, during leisure activities and at the dinner table. Addiction and eating disorders are common companions. Nadine also stuck her finger down her throat when she thought she had eaten too much. She was as thin as a broomstick.

After about six years, Nadine stopped scratching - “just like that,” she says. The young woman never went into therapy. “I'm still one of the blatant, extreme types,” she says herself. Today she no longer takes up the knife if you fail something at work or in sports. But she is still consciously looking for painful situations: she literally runs to the point of vomiting. In therapy, she could have learned to find alternatives to her self-destructive behavior - to find a more loving, indulgent approach to herself.

She recently found an old razor blade and just threw it away. Even if she shaves her legs or holds a knife in her freckled hand, the impulse to cut herself is gone. At least she has overcome this consequence of her troubled childhood.

* Name was changed by the editorial team.

Tags:  eyes dental care elderly care