A loved one dies - what can I do?

All content is checked by medical journalists.

Accompanying a loved one as they die is one of the most difficult tasks in life. When one realizes that someone is dying, paralyzing helplessness often spreads. But even if you cannot avert death, you can still make the dying process a valuable time.

Whether it's your partner, a parent, a sibling, your own child, or a very good friend, watching a loved one die is incredibly painful. Dying is an indefinite time of parting and mourning. Sometimes death occurs suddenly, sometimes after several weeks, months, or even years. No matter how much time you still have together, it is important that you use it for a dignified farewell and that you can also enjoy it.

Support properly despite helplessness

When someone you love dies, it is important to focus on the most important things. This includes communicating with the person concerned as much as possible. Talk to each other and share your thoughts, feelings, and needs with each other. It is best to agree in advance that you want to be open and honest with one another at all times. It is important to find a suitable level so that you can share your strongest feelings with one another, but not be too afraid of one another.

Pay attention and respect to one another. Be mindful of yourself and the dying person. No matter what condition he is in, he wants to be taken seriously, treated with dignity and not patronized - just like any healthy person.

Sometimes, for medical or psychological reasons, it is not possible to speak completely honestly with one another. Then it is important that you understand the non-verbal signs. If you've known each other for a long time, you'll notice whether a smile is tortured or confident, when a groan means pain or relief. Look out for such signs.

Follow the path - find out more

See yourself as a companion on the path of the dying. You cannot do the dying for those affected, but you can take them by the hand. The best way to do this is to educate yourself about dying and everything that goes with it. Inquire about the following topics, for example:

the disease and possible treatments (including complementary therapies and palliative medicine)
where you can get a second opinion
what medication the person is taking
which drugs can also be administered in which doses against pain and restlessness
which side effects may occur as a result of the treatment
whom to call in an emergency
how to fill out a living will
how to settle an inheritance

The more information you collect, the better you can support those affected in making important decisions. For example, you can help him decide for or against a particular treatment. Or in the circumstances under which he would like to forego life-prolonging measures.

The organizational part - a must

In addition to your task of communicating honestly with the person concerned and of obtaining detailed information yourself, you must also provide organizational support. A dying person can no longer do a lot himself. You may need to do the housekeeping for him, drive him to doctor's appointments, get his medication regularly, or organize care.

Everything together takes a lot of time, demands a high level of concentration and, above all, requires great reliability. In many cases, it is advisable to take a leave of absence for a period of time, or to take time off from studies, work or other obligations. Perhaps you can use the legally regulated nursing leave for this, or you can have a doctor certify that you are under an exceptional strain and have yourself on sick leave. It is often worth taking this break so that you can spend the last time with the dying person in a well-organized manner and not get lost in the stress.

Little things suddenly mean a lot

When you have shoveled free time, you can also devote yourself to beautiful things and do small favors to those affected, which can enormously increase the quality of the rest of their life. If someone comes very close to death, he often evaluates things differently than one would do in a hectic everyday life. Little things suddenly take on a completely different meaning.

Cook him his favorite food.
Indulge in fond memories with him.
Rub his head or massage his feet.
Just listen when he talks about childhood.
Listen to music together.
Hold hands while watching TV.
Open the windows and listen to the birds chirping.
Play human-don't-annoy you together.

Sometimes the person concerned may wish for something that you consider unimportant or even dangerous. If you can, do not judge the issues, but try to make them happen. To help is to try to satisfy another person's needs and wants. Perhaps the person concerned wishes to smoke a cigarette again, to run barefoot in the cold snow, to go to a birthday party. Join in, allow yourself to be unreasonable if it makes your loved one happy.

Sometimes only perseverance helps

But no matter how much you do, a person's last days will always be difficult. Anger, irritability, hopelessness, and sadness are sure to break through. There is no solution for this, it is part of saying goodbye. Then it's time to endure, endure.

The same applies to the person affected. He has to endure his own feelings - and yours too. You too can let your feelings run free. Going along with its ups and downs all the way - that's what it means to be a reliable companion. It's not easy, but it brings you and the person affected closer together and makes death easier.

Do not completely empty the battery

While your primary focus is on the needs of the dying person, you must also take care of yourself. Signs of being overwhelmed are, for example

Irritability and outbursts of anger
headache
sleep disorders
dizziness
Palpitations
lack of appetite
diarrhea
the feeling of wanting to run away

Do not be surprised and forgive yourself if these thoughts or discomforts arise from time to time. However, if you suffer from it more and more, you should definitely take care of yourself. Nobody is helped if you disregard your own limits, overwhelm yourself and sacrifice yourself.

Therefore: Recharge your battery from time to time. Only you can know what gives you the most energy. What did you like to do in the past? If you can't think of anything that's good for you, try different things until you find the right one.

Meet friends.
Talk to someone who can understand your concerns.
Treat yourself to an afternoon nap.
Have a wellness afternoon.
Get some fresh air.
Exercise.
Read a good book.
Go brunch.
Light a candle in the church.

Do not demand that you always have to be there for the person concerned, you can also take time out in which you can distract yourself and have fun. You may also need some private time to deal with your feelings and grief. Because not only the person concerned is going through a difficult time, you are also in a particularly stressful situation and have to say goodbye to your loved one bit by bit.

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