The shadow mothers

All content is checked by medical journalists.

The birth of a child is considered to be the greatest happiness in life. The shock is all the greater when despair spreads instead of joy. Postpartum depression is an underestimated phenomenon.

Motherly love. Few words are as emotionally charged as this. Pumped full of ideals, great expectations - and pictures as they are painted in advertising: radiant babies, lovely mothers.

Instead: sleepless nights, constant roaring. The extent to which an infant challenges the parents remains pure theory until birth. Not everyone can handle it. One of them was Pia Textor *. "Lennart was an absolute dream child," she says in an interview with But when he finally arrives, she hardly dares to hug her son. "I loved him so much right away, I had the feeling that it was too much."

Life in a state of emergency

Back home with the little one, she gets caught up in a vortex. Lennart is a screaming child, he yells like a stick for six to eight hours a day. "I was completely desperate," says the 38-year-old. She keeps wondering if it is her fault that the child is so beside herself. Good advice from other mothers won't help. “The worst thing was the feeling of not having anything under control,” she reports. Instead of her regular everyday life with a job that she enjoys, she now lives in a permanent state of emergency. Her husband, who hardly recognizes his wife, is just as helpless in the face of the situation. At some point, Pia Textor sees herself standing on the 17th floor of the skyscraper in which her mother lives - ready to jump. "But then I looked at my child and thought, 'My goodness, what are you thinking, you need help". "It was clear to her that she could no longer get out of the dark hole on her own.

Nothing unusual

Women who fare like Pia Textor are not isolated cases: "10 to 15 percent of mothers get puerperal depression - that is not unusual," confirms Dr. Silvia Oddo from the Frankfurt University Hospital. The psychotherapist also leads a consultation hour for affected women. Even if few things are as bad as Pia Textor back then: Postpartum depression is an extreme burden. In addition to the classic symptoms of depression such as inner emptiness, despair and reduced drive, there are feelings of inadequacy: "Women feel guilty because they believe they are not fulfilling their motherhood role," reports Oddo. They often have ambivalent feelings towards the child: "They love it, but they would also like to flee from the situation because they feel helpless".

In some cases, depression is accompanied by a delay in bonding. Initially, the mothers do not develop a real relationship with the child - they do not really feel that they belong to themselves. You supply it, but more mechanically.

The myth of motherhood

Talking to others about a classic type of depression is difficult enough. In the case of postpartum depression, the hurdle for the women affected is even greater: the myth surrounding mother-child love is too powerful. A mother who does not accept her child - unthinkable!

In fact, nature has come up with some ideas to get women to devote themselves to caring for the helpless little ones. Oxytocin is the name of the hormonal glue that holds human relationships together. The messenger substance is also known as a cuddle or bonding hormone. It is released during orgasm - but in much larger quantities during childbirth. But that's not always enough.

Perfect in every role

It is not about bad mothers who develop postpartum depression - often on the contrary. "It is often women who want to do everything particularly well - also in their role as a mother," says Oddo.

And the pressure on modern women today is very high. Many believe they have to be the egg-laying woolly milk pig that works perfectly in any role. “And of course that doesn't work - especially not right after the birth,” says Oddo. Women who claim to be always well organized and as perfect as possible have a higher risk of slipping into depression after giving birth. Suddenly it is the child who sets the rhythm. The mothers can no longer structure their day, they lose control. “From my own experience, I can say that it mainly affects autonomous, self-confident women. The sudden switch from a professionally committed woman to mother is very difficult for them, ”says the therapist.

Positive changes also make you unstable

Another problem: moving to the countryside as soon as the woman is pregnant. Because the supposed idyll often turns out to be deceptive - and can favor postpartum depression. "The women are suddenly disconnected from their social networks," says Oddo. In addition, every major change is beneficial for any form of depression - terrible events such as death and separation, but also positive ones such as a wedding or a move. And especially a birth. "I would recommend not to expect too many upheavals at once," says the therapist.

Baby blues or depression?

More than half of all women experience the fact that after the birth the hormones hit the cap and give the mother the so-called crying days. But the baby blues, as the phenomenon is also called, disappears on its own within a few days. One should pay attention if the mood does not improve: Postpartum depression usually develops in the first six weeks after the birth. Then the main thing is to get help early on. “That is very important,” emphasizes Oddo. Because postpartum depression is easy to treat if you intervene early on. The first point of contact is usually the midwife or the gynecologist.

accept help

Pia Textor also sought help - the critical moment when she throws herself off the skyscraper in her mind is the turning point. "It was then clear to me that I couldn't do it on my own." She landed at Dr. Oddo. "Just the information that many women are like me helped a lot," says the mother, looking back.

Her therapist confirms: “Our aim is to relieve the women first: from their feelings of guilt, from their excessive demands on themselves, from the worry of being a bad mother, of harming the child.” Instead, she shows the women on what they can do despite their depression. And encourages her to take things more calmly: “When the child finally sleeps, the mother should also rest. It's more important than quickly hanging up the laundry. ”For some mothers, just a few sessions are enough to overcome their depression. For others, there were deeper causes behind the desperation that needs to be tackled.

Pia Textor has found her zest for life again. Lennart is now two and a lively fellow. The mother says: “At the latest when the children start to speak, it will be easier.” At some point, the desperation of the first few weeks and months will only seem like a bad dream.

* Names have been changed by the editors

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